The Great British Bake Off 2022 contestants – ranked! | The Great British Bake Off

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Jhe Great British Bake Off has an uncanny gift for knowing the best time to arrive each year. Just when it seems like the whole world is about to tip off its axis into an unimaginable abyss of despair, the Bake Off appears with a dose of weaponized beauty. And, in 10 days – just when we need it most – it will happen again.

As usual, Channel 4 has telegraphed the arrival of The Great British Bake Off with a new set of contestant biographies. And, as usual, I only use this information to rank the candidates from worst to best. Have I met any of these people? No. Have I seen them cook? No. Will that stop me from making a series of ridiculous judgments about them, which will inevitably come back and haunt me on social media when everyone realizes I was wrong? Again, no. Here are the competitors for the Great British Bake Off 2022, ranked in reverse order of perceived success.

Kevin (back row, third from right)

Kevin’s official Bake Off biography contains some red flags that are impossible to ignore. First, he says his philosophy is “If you use the best ingredients, the presentation will take care of itself”, which is clearly code for “I couldn’t decorate a cake properly if you held me at gunpoint.” Second, he is a talented musician who can play saxophone, flute, piano, and clarinet. Between that and baking, this man has too many hobbies. Kevin, you’ve spread yourself too thin. It was good to know you.

Maisam (front row, far left)

Maisam makes a lot of right noises in her biography — she’s a photographer, her favorite flavors are inspired by her Mediterranean heritage, she’s been cooking since she was 13 — but my big problem is that last one. She may have been baking since she was 13, but Maisam is still only 18. Let’s put this into perspective. Maisam started baking the year Bake Off moved to Channel 4, which I remember only happened about eight hours ago. Does she even know who Mel and Sue are? Anyway, I don’t think Maisam will do well because I’m jealous of his youth.

Abdul (back row, second from left)

Raised in Saudi Arabia to Pakistani parents, Abdul is an avid salsa dancer and avowed space nerd. That’s all well and good, but his biography also states that he often got into trouble as a child for “taking home electronics apart.” I am firmly on his parents’ side here. Abdul is dangerous and irresponsible and must be stopped by all necessary measures.

Dawn (back row, far right)

Dawn is a mother, stepmother and grandmother. However, I decided to pre-judge Dawn based solely on her body language in the Bake Off group photo. Dawn bends over for all she’s worth in a desperate attempt to ensure she won’t be cropped. This lack of self-confidence hits me where I live, so I have to punish her like I would myself.

Will (back row, second from right)

Do you listen to Maisam? Will is 45 years old and started cooking when he was two years old. Of them! This gives him 43 years of baking experience. let’s say this in perspective. When Will started cooking, Margaret Thatcher wasn’t even prime minister. Her love for baking predates the space shuttle. That either means he’s reached a level of brilliance that makes him the envy of his peers, or he’s been painfully mediocre for Maisam’s entire life twice and then some more.

Rebs (front row, second from left)

Why are Rebs in the middle of the pack this year? Is it because she seems mysterious and enigmatic? Is it because she’s mastered the kind of poker face that marks her as a dangerous dark horse? No, it’s because I can’t find anything to say about her. She knows how to play the flute. Well, is that enough?

Janusz (back row, third from left)

It is also difficult to read Janusz. He works as a school principal’s assistant, he owns a sausage dog and he likes to use Polish ingredients in his baking. However, he also cites “internet culture” as a passion, and honestly, what does that mean? Janusz, do you just like staring at your phone in a state of detached catatonia for hours in a desperate and unsuccessful attempt to pull yourself out of the relentless hell of your life? I mean, me too, but just be honest next time.

Maxy (front row, second from right)

On paper, Maxy is going to get away with Bake Off this year. She is a mother with a master’s degree in architecture. She renovated her entire apartment herself and decorated it with her own works of art. She was born in Sweden, a country that understands pastry like few others. In other words, the woman has everything. So why did I put her in the middle of the pack? It’s simple: she is clearly better than me and I blame her for that.

Syabira (front row, far right)

Born in Malaysia, Syabira moved to the UK nine years ago and, like Maisam, only started cooking in 2017. But I support Syabira, largely because her biography says she spends her evenings to “play an online game about the Second World War”. simulation game”. Obviously I took this as code for “Syabira is a power-crazed megalomaniac who possesses an unrelenting desire to crush her enemies into a quivering puddle of pulp”, and frankly I think the Bake Off tent needs it more.

James (back row, far left)

I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified of James. He’s wearing a brightly colored kilt and shirt in the group photo, signifying he’s a reckless maverick. He describes his signature style as “kid-friendly horror,” which almost certainly means he’s a maximum of five weeks away from introducing Paul Hollywood to a sponge victoria who can vomit blood. More importantly, James is a nuclear scientist by profession, which means he has the knowledge and skills to make all of his darkest instincts come true.

Carole (back row, center)

Carole is the first person you noticed when you looked at the group photo. She’s the contestant who made you think “What happened to Brian May?” She’s the reason you briefly had an intense craving for fairground cotton candy. Carole is the one with the hair, and she seems very happy that it does. She works in a supermarket. She appears regularly on local radio in a segment called Compost Carole. Obviously, the woman has personality. But will it lead her to victory in a lucrative career as a TV host, or is she the kind of personality that will implode at the first sign of stress? I’m willing to bet first.

Sandro (front row, center)

Internet, meet your new boyfriend. Sandro’s biography sounds like the sort of thing you’d find in a Mills and Boon book written by a horny fifty-something. He is boxing. He knows how to dance. He fled war-torn Angola as a child with his mother. He turned to baking to cope with the grief of losing his father, and now he runs virtual baking classes for children with autism. He is currently employed as a nanny. Sandro is going to take Bake Off by storm this year, unless Paul Hollywood has him murdered during Biscuit Week in a fit of blind jealousy.

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