How to take care of your bigfoot: a guide for parents


Well, it happened. The Hendersons down the street got themselves a Bigfoot, and now your kid is begging for one too. Do not be afraid. You might not be a Bigfoot person, but, by adhering to a few simple rules, you can make a Bigfoot into your home without destroying your rugs or turning your life upside down.

TO DO make it clear that Bigfoot is your child’s responsibility. You won’t be walking Bigfoot, clearing his cave, or giving him large amounts of game and chopped acorns. It won’t be the hamster again.

NOT get a Bigfoot for the wrong reasons. Remember that a Bigfoot is a commitment! Anyone tempted to adopt a Bigfoot for likes on social media should also know that they are uncomfortable with attention and photograph poorly.

TO DO consult a reputable breeder. Craigslist may have cheaper options, but that’s how you end up with a discounted yeti, a shaved grizzly bear, or a grown man in a monkey costume. If you prefer to adopt, consult the parent of your child’s class with the “BIGFOOT RESCUED ME” Car Sticker.

NOT let your child overload Bigfoot when you bring him home. Yes, everyone is very excited to play Bigfoot, but Bigfoot can be shy at first. He’ll come out from behind that tree when he’s ready.

TO DO invest in a good pair of clown shoes. If you want Bigfoot to respond to obedience training, you have to do a convincing alpha.

NOT let Bigfoot feed freely. Be clear with your child: Bigfoot may beg for giant marshmallows and HoneyBaked ham, but he doesn’t always know what will give his stomach ache! If your Bigfoot shows a keen interest in human food, discourage nighttime foraging by padlocking your freezer and putting the contents of your pantry in an odor-proof bag that you hang on top of a pine tree. in the morning.

TO DO remind your child to bathe Bigfoot regularly. Especially during the summer months when the natural smell of Bigfoot can become quite enough. . . acre.

NO, under all circumstances, let Bigfoot dictate your sleep schedule. After putting him in his cave for the night, do not respond to any requests for attention. Including when he howls during thunderstorms. Even though he looks scared. And much like your toddler.

TO DO decide that there is a dignity inherent in compromise.

NOT think you owe anyone an explanation as to why Bigfoot snores in a nest of beach towels in the locker room. You are the alpha.

TO DO Pick up some squeaky toys, a cow femur and Lincoln logs on the way home from work. It’s called enrichment, and it’s a pragmatic measure to prevent Bigfoot from eating away at furniture. Remember: you are doing this for your child.

NOT leave Bigfoot on the couch for cuddles. Unless no one else is home. In this case, at least pretend to be asleep. Bigfoot doesn’t need to know its mossy heat is soothing.

TO DO start taking Bigfoot with you on your morning runs. Cars give you a wider bunk when you’re with Bigfoot. And he knows all the best trails.

NOT be too smug when your colleague Ted brags about his family’s new Mothman. Even though Bigfoot is clearly stronger and smarter, and knows more stuff than Mothman, and Mothman’s skin looks patchy.

TO DO Offer to take some of the responsibility of taking care of Bigfoot out of your child’s hands. It will help your child to concentrate on school. Plus, it takes manual dexterity and an adult’s patience to brush Bigfoot’s coat for a fine shine.

NOT tell anyone you slipped Bigfoot marshmallows. Sometimes Bigfoot deserves a treat. And it’s cute how he puts them in his cheek.

TO DO include Bigfoot in family activities. If you’re grilling on Memorial Day, why not roast a whole goat on a spit? If you are going on vacation, why not visit the scenic forest roads of the Pacific Northwest? The videos will come out blurry, but the memories will last forever.

NOT let your kid laugh at you for purchasing matching scarves for you and Bigfoot. (Bigfoot is a plaid table runner.) Bigfoot looks so beautiful—yes he does, so beautiful!– and your kid is just jealous.

TO DO Remember to take out the old stepladder each spring and mark the height of Bigfoot on the side of the house. Ten years from now, you’ll be glad you did.

NOT let your kid take Bigfoot to college. A fraternity house is no place for Bigfoot. All of Bigfoot’s stuff is here. Besides, he can’t sleep without you. ??


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